Tara Lee

2.20.2007

FUCK BIRDS.

FUCK THEM ALL.

Any of the girls who were at Heather's second grade slumber party where her mom thought Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds" was a good movie to show to a bunch of seven year old girls will understand.

On Thursday I was walking into my house when a FROZEN BIRD fell out of a tree and landed barely a foot away from me. If I had been walking faster it would have landed right on my head and severely injured, if not killed, me.

Tonight I was sitting at the computer chatting on AIM when I saw something dart into the bathroom. I screamed, then it flew out into the living room. I slammed my bedroom door and freaked out. When I peeked I saw it fly through the hallway and hit the ceiling, then head back out into the living room.

This is me just a few minutes ago:

FUCK. BIRDS.

I hope they all die.

EVIL BASTARDS

Posted at 10:35 pm by taralee
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12.5.2006

I need a night light, fo' real.

I had the SCARIEST dream EVER last week. Seriously, this was fucked up. I'm going to have to leave my light on for a while.

I set my alarm for 6:15 and, like always, I hit the snooze. So I was laying there and I heard a door close. I heard Teri walking around making noises, like she was taking something out of a plastic bag, unwrapping a pad, closing a door -- just random, normal things so I ignored it. I remember thinking, "What is she doing here at 6:30 in the morning?" but hey, it's her house. She's free to come home whenever she wants.

Then my bedroom door opened and she walked in and closed it behind her. She took my white robe off the hook on the door and put it on. (I'm seriously having a minor freak out right now writing this out. This is where this dream becomes a fucking nightmare.) I tried to ask her what she was doing and reached out to turn on my lamp, but then she was right on top of me, grabbed me and pushed me back on the bed, then I saw it was NOT Teri. It was a girl I didn't know and she was wearing a white surgical mask and I couldn't see her eyes; it was just black. And she was strangling me. I was trying to scream, but I couldn't. I could feel my lips trying to move, but I couldn't do anything. I tried to move my arms, to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING to STOP HER -- but I couldn't. I was paralyzed. My brain was working, I was telling my body to move, to scream, to fight, but it wouldn't listen to me.

After struggling for a while, she stopped and stood up. I reached for my lamp again, and she shoved me back and started strangling me again. Again I was fighting her. All of a sudden I realized that I could breathe. She wasn't strangling me. Her hands were there and she looked like she was violently attacking me, but I couldn't feel anything. Then I thought, "This has to be a dream. I'm not awake." So then I concentrated on trying to wake myself up. I was trying to scream, I was trying to move an arm, then I felt my hand on my stomach and I tried to scratch myself to wake myself up. Nothing worked, and this girl was still standing above me trying to strangle me. Then I just told myself, "Just let her go. She'll get tired. And the snooze should go off soon then she'll disappear. YOU'RE NOT AWAKE! YOU'RE NOT AWAKE! THIS IS A DREAM! THIS IS A DREAM!!" So I stopped fighting her, and she stopped. I just laid there, not moving, not trying to turn on the lamp or scream, and she just stood there staring at me. Finally, she started walking around my room looking at my stuff. When her back was turned I tried to turn on the lamp again. She turned and flew at me, screaming, flailing, but THIS TIME, FINALLY I jumped up. As soon as I moved she disappeared mid-flail, like POOF, exploded into thin air.

I woke up lying in the same position I was in through the whole dream/nightmare -- with scratches on my stomach.

I absolutely thought I was awake this whole time. I know now it was just a nightmare, but this girl was trying to kill me and I COULDN'T MOVE. I could feel my lips moving, my arm felt like 10,000 pounds when I tried to move it -- I was awake and conscious, but completely physically paralyzed. Absolutely fucking terrifying.

The beginning of this was SO REAL. I heard Teri (my roommate, FYI) opening a door, digging in a plastic bag, unwrapping a pad, closing a door. Odd, until you realize that I have a package of pads in the hall closet in a plastic bag, so that sequence was an awfully specific detail. I can only imagine the noises I was making trying to scream. It's probably a good thing Teri wasn't here because if she heard me and I woke up to find her standing over me, it probably wouldn't have ended well.

Posted at 07:19 pm by taralee
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11.15.2006

"But you're strong. You'll be OK."

A couple days ago one of the girls at work (age 25) was complaining about being cold. Someone else (50s?) told her she could bring a heater to put under her desk. Another woman complained that she didn't want her to bring a heater because she was always hot. The second woman said, "Me too. It must be our age." Shut her right up.

So today was the complaining woman's birthday. Her boss brought in a cake for her, and after lunch I noticed that someone had stuck two candles on the corner: "5?" Fifty-what? Well played, whoever did that.

And right before that, I could hear one of my attorneys in his office typing away at something, then he let loose this LOUD, gassy belch, like "errrRRRPAAAaahh!" The typing stopped for a good 5-7 seconds (during which I'm sure he could hear me attempting to not laugh), then the typing started back up, slooowly. Is it really sad that that was the high point of my day?

OK, that's it for positivity.

They're moving people around at work now since they added on and there's more space. I understand that some people need more room and we need more filing, but why the HELL do I have to move? I don't want to move! I have a nice, little, ENCLOSED cubicle up front where I can see everyone coming and going and overhear things, and now they're moving me back to where there are more people and I'm basically out in the open! Fuck that! That's not even the part that I'm pissed about. This new cubicle is next to the most ANNOYING woman in the office.

Reasons to move me:
1. They want me back where my attorneys will be, the reason I was given. Bullshit. Their legs aren't broken. One of them has been walking up to the front where my desk is for the last six months. I don't hear him complaining. My attorneys know how to make their own copies, operate a fax machine, and wipe their own asses. They don't give a shit where my desk is. Next.
2. TO PISS ME OFF.

Reasons NOT to move me:
1. I will not get along with this woman if I have to sit by her for 8 hours a day.
2. I am politically/socially liberal and polite about it -- I don't talk about that stuff unless someone else brings it up, and even then I listen to other points of view. She is a rabidly Catholic right-wingnut who attempts to foist her beliefs on anyone within earshot. THIS IS WHY THEY WILL REGRET THIS!!!
3. On Election Day when she said, referring to the election, "I used to think maybe I should have gone to college, but really, anything I need to know I learned in high school!" and went on about how useless college is. She says shit like this when she knows I can hear her because of the next reason.
4. When she told me that "there is nothing to say that" higher education doesn't push liberal beliefs on young people who are too malleable to make their own choices, after I explained to her that The DaVinci Code was just a story that brought up different interesting ideas and not heresy. (No, I didn't point out that religion pushes "conservative" beliefs on people who are too malleable, ignorant, trusting, unsuspecting, uneducated and willing as a result of being just plain young and inexperienced, to make their own choices. That point would have been completely lost on her.)
5. She won't ever shut up about her family and her church and her baking and her crafts and what the hell ever else she thinks is interesting to everyone but REALLY IS NOT. AT ALL. The only way to escape is to wait until she takes a breath and walk away. I'm not kidding. If I can't walk away I'm going to have to have some Valium or Lorazepam or pot or markers or something to get me through the day.
5. (The only point that might make a difference.) If I'm up front the receptionist can go in back and refill the coffee pots, clean the kitchen, fill the dishwasher, sort the mail, take a bathroom break, etc. If I'm not, she'll have to call someone up front to watch the phone while she does that and take their precious secretary away from their shit for five minutes.
6. I don't want to move and I will not be happy with this because there is no good reason for the inconvenience. Generally, it's a good idea to keep your employees happy if you can and not deliberately piss them off. They won't spit in your coffee this way. (Lucky for them I don't make anyone's coffee but my own.)

I need to be prepared for battle. I need to record some music or books on tape on dictation tapes so I can look busy. I need little things that will irritate her but not affect any other sane people. Like some liberal political cartoons I'll stick on my wall that she'll get all worked up over. (If she even gets them.) I need to bring in some book about demons and devils and witchcraft with some really awesome cover art. I need to get knocked up and watch her seethe for nine months. (No, not really, but watching her have to bite her tongue while I flaunt my debauchery in her face for all that time -- basically FOREVER until one of us leaves -- would almost be worth it.) Suggestions?

I was told that no one has ever lasted in this spot. "But you're strong. You'll be OK." I give it a month. No, that's being generous. Two weeks.

Posted at 11:51 pm by taralee
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10.15.2006

I'm totally selling my story to the Lifetime Movie Network.

Lastnight I had THE WEIRDEST dream ever. As a warning, I tend to have very detailed, very vivid dreams. When I remember them they usually seem very real. Sometimes it's entertaining but sometimes just bizarre, like this one. I did watch an episode of Law & Order: SVU about baby snatchers right before I went to sleep, so maybe that's where part of it came from... but still. Anyone wanna analyze THIS:

So I was at the hospital for knee surgery. I don't know what I did to my knee, but I needed another scope. So fine. I went into the operating room and I was crying and asking for my mom. She came in and I was like, "I have a really bad feeling about this, I love you!" through my tears. She just says, "Oh, you'll be fine!" and leaves me. So I'm crying and they said they were going to put me to sleep now and I go, "NO! WAIT A MINUTE!" then I start praying. The next thing I know I wake up post-surgery and my knee is all swollen and painful and the nurse comes in and tells me that the baby's fine. I'm like, "WHAT?!? What BABY?" and she goes, "No, babies. It's twins!" and I start crying again. I was like, "I thought I was getting kneeeee surgeryyyyy! Why didn't anyone tell meeeeee?" as I'm bawling. Yeah, no one told me that I should expect a baby, let alone two. What was everyone around me thinking? So I get up out of the bed to go look for these babies and I can't walk because I really did just have knee surgery. I got a two-for-one deal, apparently. So the nurse goes and gets me a pair of crutches. The best part of this dream is that these crutches were two different sizes and I couldn't adjust them. So I was in this crappy hospital gown part-limping and part-hobbling on mismatched crutches through the halls of this horrible hospital looking for my twins, whom no staff, nurse or doctor had any record of, trying to keep up with my mom and sisters who were charging on ahead as I'm yelling, "Wait for me!" and sobbing. Finally the four of us reach a nurse's station and this bitchy nurse tells me, "I'm sorry, visiting hours are over. You can come back tomorrow." My mom goes, "OK," and I'm like, "Nooooooooo!" My mom goes, "Tara! You've already seen them! It's fine!" and I tell her that I haven't. Geez, you'd think I'd remember that, right? She goes, "Yes, you DID! I was THERE!" and I tell her, "I was under HEAVY ANESTHESIA!" So finally one sweet old nurse takes pity on me and lets me come in, only there aren't even any chairs so I have to sit on the floor and no one helps me. And I just had knee surgery! And two babies! How the f am I supposed to sit on the floor? But I did, then the nurse comes in with this giant newborn, like the size of a year-old baby. But only one! I asked her where the other one was, but that's when I woke up. So I guess I'll never know.

Posted at 04:44 pm by taralee
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9.25.2006

The smelt and the sprat DON'T know where it's at.

I had all these mix CD's I made over the past few years in my CD case and Kristin found them in my car. On one of them I have a couple Disney songs. I was listening to "Under the Sea" from The Little Mermaid (OK, I was singing along and totally enjoying it) and it got me thinking: Have you ever wondered how Sebastian the crab is Jamaican? I mean, they're in the Caspian Sea according to Ursula when she takes Ariel's voice. And since the Caspian Sea is in Eurasia by Russia and Iran, Sebastian's Jamaican accent and the sea creatures' Caribbean band don't make sense. Do they?

It's also true that their speaking English, accented or not, doesn't make sense. They should be speaking Russian or Farsi. And carps don't play harps and smelt and sprat probably don't know where it's at, and besides that they probably would die in the real Caspian Sea. But they're sea creatures so they shouldn't be speaking or playing instruments at all, they should just be swimming around and eating each other. And mermaids don't exist either, but since they made this movie about mermaid princesses and singing crabs can they at least make it a little more accurate?

Yes I'm a huge geek, but please note that I had NOTHING to do at work so I had plenty of time to ponder this. Way too much time. Besides, The Little Mermaid was my favorite movie way back when.

Posted at 07:39 pm by taralee
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8.16.2006

Why?

I am so physically and emotionally exhausted right now. I am in a constant state of wanting to sleep, but not being able to sleep, but feeling like I can't function unless I sleep. It's like my brain is in a haze and I can't move, like I'm walking in waist deep water. I was just in the shower pretty much bawling my eyes out, just thinking about how unfair this whole thing is. Not only the unfairness that was shown to a certain someone (Krissy and Teri know what that means), but the unfairness life as a whole. It makes me question God.

What kind of God can do these things? I don't understand how you can wake up in the morning and thank God for a bright beautiful sunny day and for your good health and for curing disease and all the good fortunes in this world, then turn around and accept that this same wonderful God didn't stop tsunamis and earthquakes and murders and famines and all the suffering in the world. It doesn't make sense. How does my great-grandmother get to live to be 102 years old and raise her kids, grandkids, great-grandkids, and have 102 years of history and experiences until she died in her sleep; yet my grandmother had to suffer from cancer and die at only 69 and didn't live to see her grandchildren even graduate from elementary school; and most of all how come two close friends had to die at 22 and 23 and didn't get to experience ANYTHING AT ALL?

You can't for one second tell me that any of this makes any sense. People will say, "Oh, they're watching over us, they're angels, God needed them, blah blah blah." This blind faith thing just doesn't work right now. Right now the only explanation that makes sense is that religion as a whole was a design to control the masses to do what the leaders wanted. Think about it: The minister/priest/leader says, "Peace be with you," and every single person in the room replies, "And also with you." He commands, "Let us pray," and every single person in the room immediately puts their chin to their chest and their hands in their lap. Like good, faithful, unquestioning sheep. Something bad happens, look to God. Something good happens, look to God. It's a very convenient and useful thing. How do you question something you can't prove? But how can you not? It makes me want to go to church more... but it also makes me want to not ever go.

Do other animals besides humans have religion/moral beliefs? It doesn't seem like it. Some animals eat their own young. Nearly all of them eat each other. There is no PETA among lions, questioning why this hyena's life isn't as valuable as their own and advocating that all the other lions stick to eating grass and stop the killing. Why do humans do this? We're at the top of the food chain thanks to many millions of years of evolution and survival of the fittest, a combination of the most useful, helpful, important and life-preserving traits, internal and external. Apparently this had led to some ghastly arrogance. Why are humans so damn special? Sure, we have opposable thumbs and sophisticated language. But God's own image? Why can't this God look like an ape or a dolphin or an ant?

De Tocqueville wrote about the power of the people, of mass opinion. That's always been true, even back in ancient days before the advent of modern forms of government, be them dukedoms or dictatorships or democracies. Once people started forming communities back in the ancient day, those masses needed to be controlled somehow. Enter religion. Let's say that it's true that there is an all-powerful being controlling everything. I remember reading Descartes and that being the first time I ever really thought that questioning the existence of God made logical sense. In this case now, Descartes' Evil Demon/Evil Genius is what I think of. Descartes applied this being to scientific and mathematical proofs (I think, it's been a few years since my Theory of Knowledge class and it's too late to actually look anything up so if I'm wrong, whatever), but the overall deception the Evil Demon/Evil Genius employs could also be applied to other aspects of life, such as belief in a higher power that places the actions and inadequecies of the world beyond our explanation.

Of course, religious belief is a somewhat anesthetizing apparatus which can be useful. It can help people to accept tragedy, sadness, bad things they can't control. It can be comforting to believe that after you die, your soul (what is that?) goes someplace wonderful (notice that no one, no matter how terrible a person they were, ever goes to Hell even though there is a laundry list of sins minor and major that lead to eternal damnation). What if that's just a ruse to calm people (control the masses)? What if there's just nothing? You spend 12, 22, 102 years walking and talking and laughing and then... nothing?

What makes sense right now is just plain science. We're all just evolved animals, moving around on this earth until we're stopped, whether it be by a bullet or a heart attack. Some of us go 80, 90, 100 years until our hearts give out or our livers malfunction; others of us only go 10, 20, 30 years until some tragedy occurs -- evolution isn't perfect, there will be glitches, some of our own doing (car accidents) and some not (disease, ie. diabetes).

What kind of all-knowing, omnipotent, benevolent being can let my father live to see the next day to harm another innocent child, when Jen and Heather, who had done nothing wrong, can't even live long enough to have a career or a family or even a short life on their own?

Posted at 01:43 am by taralee
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8.12.2006

To do list

If I ever die unexpectedly, here are some instructions that I expect to be followed exactly:

1. Do not turn my Myspace, Facebook, or LJ into a shrine. That's creepy.
1.1 Do not make a page and turn it into a shrine of your own. That's even more creepy, and just a waste of energy and time.
1.2 If you want to do something as a tribute to me donate to stem cell research; volunteer to read to sick kids; petition, write, and visit your Congresspeople (and/or mine if they're not the same one) to work for any number of causes that I believe in; kick George Bush in the nuts. Something worthwhile.
2. If you didn't talk to me before I died, don't act like you give a shit all of a sudden.
2.1 If you are my friend and you see these people doing that, kick them in the face and spit on them. Do it at the layout, at the funeral, I don't care. Someone has to do it for me! I'll enjoy it. And don't worry about offending my family because my sisters will be leading the charge. Trust me.
2.2 If you are my friend you know who you are. You people can feel free to use me to get out of work or school or to make other people feel bad for being assholes to you or me or anyone else. Don't say I never gave you nothin'!
3. Don't lie about friendships/relationships I had or did not have. If you were my friend, boyfriend, husband, ex-friend, ex-boyfriend, ex-husband, acquaintance, enemy, a stranger, etc., when I died, then THAT'S HOW IT STAYS. You will be confronted by my real friends and they will pull your head out of your ass to spit in your face if you do this. (Because that's what I would have done if you had the balls to pull that stunt if I were here to fix it/you).
4. Let the doctors take whatever they want. If part(s) of me can be recycled to help someone else, let them chop away. Two exceptions: (1) Don't give anything to some motorcycle-riding jackass who wasn't wearing a helmet unless he/she is forced to do some community service and also has their license revoked, and (2) DO NOT GIVE MY ACHILLES TENDON TO ANY PITTSBURGH STEELER. NO. NO. NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT! You can slap him with it, but do not put it in his knee.
4.1 I don't care what my mom decides to do with me. She can bury me, cremate me, give me to scientific research, whatever. The research thing might be interesting, actually. Here's an idea: (if you can do this without going to jail, this would be awesome): use my eggs to make some embryos for stem cell research so that my nieces and nephews (or my kids, who knows) and your kids might not have to suffer from diabetes and Alzheimer's and Parkinson's and whatnot. Take them all. (And be sure to let the Republican theocracy know about this -- after the fact, of course. And let them know that I'll be giving them a big middle finger when they get their panties in a knot about it.)
5. MOST IMPORTANTLY: Take all my bills that will come in the mail and tear off the payment slip, fill it out the payment box with FUCK YOU, and send it off. Please. If I could tell them to fuck off now I would. So please do that for me.

I love you guys. (Unless I haven't talked to you since high school. In that case, just "Hi." And pay close attention to #2, and more importantly #2.1.)

Posted at 05:18 pm by taralee
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8.6.2006

It's time to grow the fuck up.

This is not what I signed up for. I need to make some changes in my life. I've been a college graduate for over a year, I've been truly financially independent from my mother for the better part of five years, I'm a fucking ADULT -- I refuse to give in to petty bullshit and let myself get taken advantage of.

Will. Not. Happen.

I applied for a job at another law firm downtown, a bigger one than the one I'm at now. It's a part-time word processor position on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and every other Saturday. I'm hoping they're willing to be negotiable on the hours -- they want 5:00-9:30, I can't get there until 5:30-5:45. If they're willing to make it 5:30-10:00 I'm a shoo-in for that job. I have legal experience, I know how to set up legal docs, I have experience dealing with confidential matters, I've worked in Office and, most importantly, I'm used to the pace, the hierarchy, the environment, and the day to day functions of a medium-sized law firm. But I'm not counting on anything, at this point I've only sent in a resume.

The reason I'm doing this is number one, I have no money and I can't afford to keep going like I am with no help. Two, I've pretty much decided that I'm going to take the LSAT either in October or December and apply to NKU's evening JD program. I need to do something with my life and obviously I'm not getting out of Cincy anytime soon. Things keep holding me back: lack of money, instability, my own insecurities, etc.

I think this is a good choice because there are lots of careers out there for someone with a law degree, not just being a practicing attorney (which isn't something I think I want to do). I'm tired of sitting here doing nothing with my life while everyone else goes on and gets master's degrees, gets married, has kids, moves to interesting cities, takes trips. It's like I'm just letting life pass me by. Even if I don't end up using this degree, I'll have it and it will be something I've accomplished and earned for myself, and it will open up more doors in the future.

I need to get away from the negativity. If I can't physically do that, at least I can try to get away from it mentally by putting a goal in front of me and giving myself something positive to work for.

Posted at 05:02 pm by taralee
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4.11.2006

Things to say to 10 people...

1. List ten things you want to say to 10 people but know you NEVER will.
2. Don't say who they are.
3. Feel free to comment, but I'm not confirming or answering anything.
4. Never discuss it again.

1. This really won't do you justice, but I'll write just a small fraction of what I could about you. No one knows me better than you and I doubt anyone ever will. You've seen me at my best and at my worst and you still love me. You're beautiful, smart, talented, and driven. You're completely honest with me when I need it, and have always been there for me. I would do anything for you, and I meant it when I said I would have your babies. Just let me know when I can be of service. (I actually would say all of this to you and probably already have.)

2. I wish we were closer. I know we're probably more alike than either of us know. I'm sorry about anything I did in the past -- just know that it either came from a genuine concern for you or a passing fit of anger. We need to start spending time together while we have the chance.

3. You're a liar and a whore. Don't call me.

4. I used to think that you were my perfect match. I used to be stupid and easily taken advantage of, too. This song ("The One" by Foo Fighters) used to make me think of you: "Because youre not the one but youre the only one / Who can make me feel like this / Youre not the one but youre the only one / Who can make me feel like shit." Not anymore. I truly don't want you anymore, romantically or however. You really are terrible at relationships. No one has ever treated me like you did and no one ever will again. I hope we can remain friends, or repair our friendship, because we used to be really good at that. I honestly hope you find someone who makes you happy and that you don't deliberately sabotage that relationship, but I fear that that's a pretty tall order for you. You can always call me if you need a friend -- I won't judge and I'll keep any secrets you need to spill. But I know you'll never admit to needing a friend.

5. Why must you latch onto everyone like you do? Your self-aggrandizement is disgusting.

6. I don't understand why you don't understand what I say to you. If I have to spell it out in preschool terms I'm afraid you'll cry yourself to sleep. And I'm too lovely a person to deliberately make someone cry. Unless you piss me off, then it's on.

7. I've always kind of wondered about you... Well, not always, but fairly recently. But not too seriously. It was actually someone else who put the idea in my head. We know too many people in common. That would be weird. Wouldn't it?

8. You intimidate me in some ways and confuse me in others. But I act very brazen, as if I'm in control when I know that really one word or action will make me completely wilt (but I would never let you know that). Deep down I'm not as confident as I try to come across. In fact, the opposite is true. I hope you know that. Or maybe not. I don't want anyone to know that they have any sort of power over me. Though when it comes down to it, I know it doesn't really matter.

9. I hope you die of gonorrhea. Eat shit and die, motherfucker.

10. You distract me.

Posted at 10:46 pm by taralee
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1.29.2006

Are you there God? It's me, Margaret.

Yesterday I lived every young girl's worst nightmare. And it was awesome.

(Note to any guys, this story involves feminine hygiene products. The purchase of, not the usage of. If even that gives you the heebie jeebies, stop reading here.)

I went to Walgreens this morning to get some necessary items because I had none. Everything was on sale, so I decided to stock up. The pads were buy one get one free and tampons were two for $5, so I grabbed two packages of each thinking I just scored a sweet deal. There was a line at the register (and I think we all know where this is going, so I'll just cut to the chase.) I got price checked! It rang up for almost $14. For a minute I was thinking, "Let it go, it's fine," then I thought, "NO! It's not fine!" and I told her what the price was supposed to be. She started paging through the ad looking for it, then she YELLED across the store, "CASEY! I need a price check on these!" and holds the pads in the air above her head. Casey asked what they were, and the clerk yelled, "The ultra thins! And these tampons too!" and holds those above her head in the other hand. Casey confirmed what I told the clerk, THEN she got on the STORE INTERCOM to ask the manager to come up front and override the price on the register: "Mr. (whatever), I need a price fix on some tampons." The large man and two teenage boys behind me were thrilled.

At this point all I could think was "Are you there God? It's me, Margaret". And I started laughing. If this were six, seven, eight years ago I would have ran out of there in tears. Seriously, this doesn't happen outside of Judy Blume novels and angsty preteen after school specials.

It was awesome.

Posted at 01:19 am by taralee
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